Welcome to Proverbs 31 Wannabe where Alexis Heaslip, a stay at home mother of two and follower of Jesus shares her personal walk with Christ. Her goal is to help women explore the Bible and walk with Jesus by being a Proverbs 31 Wannabe. In this episode, Alexis shares her personal testimony of her walk with Jesus. Content warning- some of the content is not appropriate for children due to sensitive subject matter.

If you are struggling and having suicidal thoughts please call the national suicide hotline at 9-8-8. 

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Episode Transcript

Proverbs 31 Wannabe
January 4, 2022- record and post

Podcast Script

My Raw Testimony

04 January 2022

Podcast Intro (1-2 min)

Intro Music

Intro-Hi there and welcome to Proverbs31 Wannabe where we discuss biblical womanhood in our constantly busy and sometimes crazy daily life. I’m Alexis Heaslip and as a wife and mother of two, I am always striving and praying to be a Proverbs 31 woman of faith. Since this is the first podcast episode of the new year, I wanted to start off with something personal and deep- my testimony. I want to advise that my testimony has some subjects that might not be suitable for children so if there are little ones with you, I would click away and listen later. I am going to be extremely vulnerable, brutally honest, and share with you how God moved in extraordinary ways in my life. So what better place to start than how I grew up. Let’s dive on in.

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Childhood

My childhood took place in Virginia Beach, a town full of sand, sun, and tourists that don’t know how to drive in the summer(don’t even get me started). The cauld-a-sac where my parents still live is nice and quiet, the neighbors are like family, and the fun is endless- bike rides to the bay, tubing on the lake, and weekend gatherings were the norm. I grew up in a Catholic home with parents and grandparents that loved God, loved going to church, and were involved in the community. I went to Catholic school for eight years, ugly uniforms and all- yes I had those plaid skirts with knee highs, and still have fond memories of some sassy nuns and priests who are some of the kindest and loving people you could have met. Although I had grown up in this environment, reading the Bible is something that was not consistently part of my family life and personal prayer wasn’t modeled well. Nothing against my parents at all- they both love God and walk in their faith- but praying was something that just wasn’t modeled very well in the home.  

One thing that was a big deal in my house growing up was that from a small age I was told that God is the creator of everything, we are His children, and because Jesus died on the cross for everyone we need to respect all life from womb to tomb. Year after year we would go to the March for LIfe in Washington DC, we would go to prayer rallies in front of Planned Parenthood and pray for an end to abortions, and my parents instilled in my heart the privilege we have to be  able to voice our beliefs by voting for people who love life at all stages. Remember this later. 

When I was in the eighth grade, I applied for the Legal Studies Academy- a public school program that Virginia Beach schools has that focus on the legal system in the curriculum. I got in and my freshman year started with intro to law. The next four years were a whirlwind. I was a shy child and in this program I found my voice. I was forced to defend why I believe what I believed. I took legal oratory and debate, ethics and law, and all of these different classes that culminated in a senior project where we had to choose an issue, write a legal research paper on it, do a project for the community related to the subject, and defend our project in front of a panel. If you haven’t guessed what my topic was by now, I chose the topic of the constitutionality of abortion in the United States and argued why abortion is a violation of the 14th amendment. I spent a year of my life researching, writing, holding a diaper drive for a pregnancy center, and defending in front of a panel this work, and yet none of that seemed to stick in my brain once college hit. I thought I was strong in my faith, I thought college would be easy. But boy did life take a left turn and change everything forever.

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College

Once I was in college, the first semester was going great to start. I had a boyfriend for the first time, I was getting A’s in my classes, I even joined a sorority. I was finding a group of friends and even joined the catholic campus ministry. But things changed in December when my mom called me crying saying that my grandfather was dying and that the doctors were saying that they might have to cut his leg off. I knew my grandfather’s health had been declining-and looking back at it now I see where it was more obvious than what I was willing to admit at 18 years old, but my immature self was in denial until I got home after finals. My grandfather passed away on December 21, his viewing was the next day, the funeral was the 23rd, and then Christmas hit. I was nowhere near emotionally prepared for this moment. My grandfather had always been a rock in my life that was strong, full of love, and he was a big part of my life. To say I was devastated was an understatement. This was the first time that I had lost someone so close to me as an adult. My grandmother died when I was really young so the impact wasn’t as strong as when my grandfather passed away. I was sad, in a vulnerable state, and because I didn’t have that strong personal relationship with my creator, I turned to other things to run away from the pain of loss. The spring semester I started partying hard. I lost my virginity to my then boyfriend- and two months later he broke up with me, I was drinking a lot, and because of these habits I failed a class. Instead of owning up to my mistakes I lied to my mom about my grades. Nobody knew how much I was struggling. I didn’t ask God for help. I didn’t ask anybody for help. I thought I could fix it all on my own. And I wish I could say that the next year changed and everything got better, but I wouldn’t be telling you the truth.

Sophomore year was a complete disaster. The frat parties started on Thursday and went till Saturday morning. I would party and drink. I had sex with whoever would take me. And I was completely bombing in my classes. But because I kept lying to the whole world that I was ok-nobody knew how much I was struggling. Even though I would party all weekend, I would still go to church on Sunday because I felt so guilty.I hated myself. I just wanted to forget the pain of loss. Looking back now, I was obviously depressed but I would have never said that back then. Although I was going through the beginning of the wringer, I see how God placed people in my life that were going to be there for me once I was ready to reach out. I can see now how He placed people in my life for such a time as this. I see how He prepared my heart to love life at all stages. I knew that my family loved me, even though I wasn’t truthful to them yet. I knew deep down God loved me, but I was not ready to face Him yet. I wish I was ready at this point, but I wasn’t. I was about to experience a trial by fire.

My partying caught up to me one night and actions have consequences. I was at a party with people who I thought were my friends. People who I hung out with all the time. People who I thought would never do anything. I had heard about girls getting assaulted at parties but that’s something I thought could never happen to me, but it turns out I was wrong. I was drugged, assaulted, and then made to feel like it was normal. This happened twice by the same person. A person who I thought was my friend. I thank the Lord every day that not once did I ever end up with an STI or getting pregnant by the person who assaulted me. But I still was a victim of assault. Did I tell anyone? Nope. Just like with my grief, I tried to bury it. I somehow got it in my mind that the only way to reclaim my body is by having sex with other people to feel something besides pain. 

Spoiler alert- it didn’t work. It just made things worse.

All through this madness and depression, and frankly Satan attacking me, there were a couple of constant people- my best friend Rachel and Mack, my future husband. Even though all this mess, they stood by my side. For some crazy reason, they didn’t walk away when I was throwing up in the toilet, when I was crying myself to sleep at night, or when I didn’t want to get out of bed. God placed them in my life to remind me that I am loved, even though I didn’t feel worthy. And for some crazy reason, Mack really liked me and wanted to date me. He knew all the things I had done, but he didn’t care. He loved me for me and we started dating in the spring semester of sophomore year. 

Because of all the brokenness that I carried, our relationship was not one that was filled with biblical backing. We had premarital sex. And because I was too embarrassed and felt guilty about being sexually active, I never was on birth control at all, and God used this as an opportunity to grab me by the hand and say turn to me.

This is where the crossroads happened. 

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The Start of the Slow and Painful Change.

I didn’t even know that something was different. All I thought was that I got sick from the pho that I had eaten the afternoon  my parents came to help me move out of my dorm. But my mom said she knew. She said the Holy Spirit put it on her heart-she knew I was pregnant before I did. She sat me down at home and gave me a pregnancy test. I told her she was crazy, but it turns out she was right. At twenty years old I was pregnant and my mom told me I had three options to choose from- abortion, adoption, or keep the child. She said its up to me and that she will support me in any decision I make. She hadn’t told my dad yet, I hadn’t spoken to Mack, and I felt like I was drowning. Remember how I said my high school senior project was important- everything I stood for, even though I had fallen so hard, was being tested at this very moment. What was I going to do? For just one split second I thought about the unthinkable- an abortion. But then I thought about scripture- something I hadn’t done in a long long time. This scripture was Psalm 139:13-16 which says “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”

I immediately felt ashamed and I also knew that I would keep this baby. The next nine months were an emotional roller coaster. I went on a trip to Israel that summer only because it was already paid for. That trip is what saved me from complete despair and helped me realize that maybe God won’t hate me if I ask for some help. I really got a better understanding on how Mary the mother of Jesus probably felt when she was pregnant. But my faith was still shaken and I still struggled after that trip. My “friends” dropped me like a hot potato, I still hadn’t come clean about grades, and I know there was anger, sadness, confusion and disappointment that presented itself in resentment and sometimes rage from my parents. Mack got the same emotions from his parents, and we struggled to wrap our brains around the fact that we were going to be parents. Because of all the anxiety I had, I was so sick during the entire pregnancy. I threw up all the time. I didn’t have many people to turn to without feeling guilty because even my family wasn’t happy with me. But the pregnancy was healthy and when I was eight months pregnant, Mack and I got married. Our son Luke was born a day before his due date. He came quick, and it was painful. 

I wish I could say that giving birth is what changed my heart, but I still needed more molding by God’s hands before I could be reshaped. I still hadn’t dealt with the trauma of being sexually assaulted. I still hadn’t come clean about my grades. And the emotions and hormones that are involved in the postpartum period mixed in with getting on birth control drove me to a deep deep depression where I ended up wanting to take my own life. I don’t even remember the first few months of Luke’s life because I was so depressed and was wanting everything to just stop. After Mack begging for help, and my mom demanding answers from a heart of love and concern, I finally broke down. I cried out to God in the form of painting. I put dark colors- black and red and brown, on the canvass and wrote on top of those colors with a paint stick in bright yellow Psalm 130:1-2 which says “Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord; Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.”

‭‭I couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I cried out my God my redeemer and begged him to take me home. And for the first time in years, I felt a sense of peace. This was the turning point- this is where I started to truly put my trust and faith in Jesus. 

The next year was a hard one. I told my parents the truth about my grades, I started going to therapy, but even then depression and satan were fighting to keep me down. I backslid into lying and for a bit and my grades were just trashed. My therapist finally helped me have the courage to tell my mom I need to stop trying school because it was just too much. Even though I could see the disappointment in my moms eyes, I know that she knew it was what I needed. 

My husband finished his undergraduate degree a semester early, which was no easy thing to do with a baby and once he was done we moved out of our one bedroom apartment and into my grandparents old house in south eastern Virginia to be closer to family. This was such a gift from the Lord. Slowly and surely my relationships with my family, God, and others grew and I felt alive again. I started praying consistently, I was honest with myself, with God, my spouse, and my parents. Although life was difficult, I knew I had a redeemer and His name was Jesus.

The July of 2019 my husband wanted to check out a Baptist church since he grew up Baptist and not Catholic and while I was out of town he did just that. I had no objection because I felt like as long as the church was teaching from the Bible, the differences in tradition and some teachings are ok. My mom grew up baptist so I was familiar. I am so glad God put this on my husband’s heart. Because he went and checked it out, he loved it. We started going to our church that fall and the Lord put amazing people into our lives again. We are still going to this church to this day and through the relationships I have built in this community, I have grown into the woman I am now- one that truly knows that I cannot live without relying on God alone. I have a support system of wonderful people- the women in my mom group, my husband,my parents, and the sassy older ladies in the choir at church who dote on my children. Although we still have our struggles, God is there through it all. I am not depressed anymore. I have a personal relationship with God- I want to talk to Him every day and read the Bible. I want Him to walk with me on my journey as a mom, wife, and parent. I have forgiven myself for not realizing that I need God and can’t do this alone. I have forgiven in my heart the person who assaulted me, and because Jesus died on the cross for our sins, I am not a victim of sin and death, I am free. 

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Recap- Thank the Lord that He gives us room for error. I don’t know what I would have done without the mercy of God. I pray that if you are struggling with finding hope, that you see my testimony as a message of strength, a message of assurance, and a message that points you to Jesus. If you were like me and have or are feeling suicidal thoughts please call the national suicide hotline at 9-8-8 for free help if you are in emotional distress or feeling suicidal. The first step is asking for help and its life changing. My prayer is that you realize your worth- God made you by hand and loves you. You are His. He wants you to rest in Him. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy and compassion. Amen.

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Call to action:  Thanks to listening to Proverbs31 Wannabe. We hope you enjoyed the program. If you enjoy our show, please rate and review us on Apple Podcasts—and be sure to come back next week as we talk about why a Proverbs 31 Wannabe woman stands for life. Until then, this is Alexis Heaslip, and I hope you have a great rest of your day. God bless. 

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